A Break

Time for a much needed break. A step off the rat race. Time to become whole again and search for that crucial time that I cannot get back. A rare week with just family and friends. I have been looking forward to this for a long time. I have found in the last couple of weeks new friends and experiences. I will step back into them. To all of you, happy Memorial Day. It holds a special place in my heart. I will remember you all and think of you while I am gone. See you soon, be safe, and God Bless.

Insanity

What a long week and its only Tuesday. I have been meeting my assignment with apprention, but still following direction. I have had little contact due to my schedule. I continue to remain vigilant and faithful to my new direction. It is in this I find balance. A natural balance of power and servitude. I am happy although disappointed in somethings. Willingness to serve is tainted by what is good for someone else. I will achieve a level of understanding, I just don't know when or how. If this week gets any crazier, insanity will set in. Nothing wrong with a little of that as I squirm in its reminders.

A seperate issue

I am writing this seperate of the first few posts I have written. Deeply personal and turbulant things have happen to me over the last few months. This is my attempt at exercising these thoughts. It doesn't matter who reads this. What is important is the fact that I can talk on here and not be given advice or support. Just a lone voice in a dark tunnel. Where has everyone I need gone. Who do I turn to when darkness overcomes the light. It seems that being in this world is a burden to most. A fleeting gasp of air that quelches my daily needs. I wish I could explain my pain at times to those around me. Someone hand me a tool of yearning to spill my pain like some bleeding wound. Can I survive on my strength? I used to have so much. I was larger than life. Afraid of only what I couldn't grasp or understand. I got a call today which shattered my world. From a ghost, an apperition I didn't think would haunt me again. My soul, I would like to think, is kind and good. Does that mean I deserve a break or special favors. Never have I written something like this in public. Naked to anyone who stumbles across it. Not that anyone would care or be interested, but it is like being baptized in a river of terminal cries for healing. A soul is a funny thing. When you don't need it, you take for granted the way it shapes you. Where did I lose mine. How long can I cover up the abyss that is there. No one can help me with it. I certainly can't stop it. I have an issue. Seperate from my life, my soul, who I am. There is no map, no direction, no manual that can help me. Like a dark , foggy road with unforgiving turns. I will continue tommorrow night with my usual subject. I just can't ignore the 800 pound Gorilla in the room tonight. Multitudes of friends I have, but none are closer that spectators on the shore as a ship passes by. This is my fault. Allowing only those whom I trust implicitly to even get near the inner circle in my life. This week I made a stand for what is right, just and fair. Where did that inner strength come from. Some days my deep well is dry. Barren as the desert. Can it be that my reserves are running out. I will find a way and have found some fuel in those I have just met. Physcology would tell me with either the beliefs of Frued or Jung, that formative years, dreams, or childhood had something to do with all this. I refute all of that. It is what I allow to happen, and how I perceive it that created this. I have seen horrible things. Nightmares while awake. I just wish this time, with what is going on personally someone would shake me out of it. Tell me its a dream. Today I saw first hand how much certain things mean. What pure, unadulterated love is and how I take that for granted. How and why are not important. Just seperate issues that define where and who I am.

Humiliation and Questions

I am totally engulfed in panic. What do I do? The newest task she has given me is now total control. Mistress is as beautiful a woman as anyone. Although now she has given me a task that is close to complete control as anything I could imagine. I will not tell everyone what this task is or how it is to be carried out(I will leave that to her)but I am in a complete helpless panic. Considering myself fairly good looking, or at very least not a troll, I now cannot hit on any other women. She has removed my ability to control any situation with the opposite sex. Talking with her last night she made it clear what was mine is now hers. I am not allowed to control my own orgasms, and now its even worse. God, I want to just crawl in a hole. What if someone finds out? When will I have even a marginal amount of control over my own sex life again? Is there a 911 I can call to help me. Looking into her eyes the anwser is most definently no. I try to buck and kick, but I am now a piece of property. How can I be wearing these? What would happen to me if someone wanted me and saw this? So utterly humiliating and controlling. I know it will do me no goood to beg, plead, or whine. Humiliation is not complete but well on its way. How long till I like wearing these? I blush will a pink hue. Help!!!

Longing

As I come to the end of this long, and somewhat interesting week I am very reflective on its events. Clearly, I have realized that what we do can define who we are, but more importantly it defines our path. I have a quote I always remember that goes "To give real service you must add something which cannot be bought or measured with selfish need, and that is sincerity and integrity." I believe in this journey of submission I have learned more about myself than almost any time in my life. It is because my needs are not as paramount or important as those who I choose to give my service to. My will melts in a pool of deep sacrifice and adoration with each text, call, or meeting. Knowing I will not see her for a couple of weaks is like weening an addict of some strong drug. Longing to know what she is thinking or wanting of me is intoxicating. Sometimes it seems as if my soul is being torn from my old, vanilla life into something that is so much more difficult. Abstract at times. I now live in a prison of service. A prison that i gladly would lock the cell door behind me and throw away the key. Her control of my orgasms makes me want to do it more and more. How can anyone do little or nothing from miles away and make me feel like I'm being interrogated in the same room. I mastrubated for 80 minutes today without relief. Praying, wishing, hoping she would call and let me but it did not come. I long for everything that she will give. Longing for this power over me has become so much more than I can put into words. What is going to be the next step. Can I please and withstand her power.

Journal

What a long evening and week. I miss seeing my Mistress. She is so wonderful and engaging. As I talk to her I get lost in her sultry and often thoughtful voice. I am hyptnotized by her intoxicateing control of will. I followed her instructions tonight to the letter with 40 minutes of touching myself, which is a subtle torture. Although she did allow me to release, I want to serve and make her happy. Her kind, intelligent, but stern manner make my mind squirm with desire and comfort. I am so ready to throw myself into this lifestyle like a child learning to walk. I gain pleasure through her power. Strength through serving. Above all a unique sense of self that comes from serving a woman of such beauty and power. I loved pleasing her last night with my video. My caged spirit feels free in her grasp