A seperate issue

I am writing this seperate of the first few posts I have written. Deeply personal and turbulant things have happen to me over the last few months. This is my attempt at exercising these thoughts. It doesn't matter who reads this. What is important is the fact that I can talk on here and not be given advice or support. Just a lone voice in a dark tunnel. Where has everyone I need gone. Who do I turn to when darkness overcomes the light. It seems that being in this world is a burden to most. A fleeting gasp of air that quelches my daily needs. I wish I could explain my pain at times to those around me. Someone hand me a tool of yearning to spill my pain like some bleeding wound. Can I survive on my strength? I used to have so much. I was larger than life. Afraid of only what I couldn't grasp or understand. I got a call today which shattered my world. From a ghost, an apperition I didn't think would haunt me again. My soul, I would like to think, is kind and good. Does that mean I deserve a break or special favors. Never have I written something like this in public. Naked to anyone who stumbles across it. Not that anyone would care or be interested, but it is like being baptized in a river of terminal cries for healing. A soul is a funny thing. When you don't need it, you take for granted the way it shapes you. Where did I lose mine. How long can I cover up the abyss that is there. No one can help me with it. I certainly can't stop it. I have an issue. Seperate from my life, my soul, who I am. There is no map, no direction, no manual that can help me. Like a dark , foggy road with unforgiving turns. I will continue tommorrow night with my usual subject. I just can't ignore the 800 pound Gorilla in the room tonight. Multitudes of friends I have, but none are closer that spectators on the shore as a ship passes by. This is my fault. Allowing only those whom I trust implicitly to even get near the inner circle in my life. This week I made a stand for what is right, just and fair. Where did that inner strength come from. Some days my deep well is dry. Barren as the desert. Can it be that my reserves are running out. I will find a way and have found some fuel in those I have just met. Physcology would tell me with either the beliefs of Frued or Jung, that formative years, dreams, or childhood had something to do with all this. I refute all of that. It is what I allow to happen, and how I perceive it that created this. I have seen horrible things. Nightmares while awake. I just wish this time, with what is going on personally someone would shake me out of it. Tell me its a dream. Today I saw first hand how much certain things mean. What pure, unadulterated love is and how I take that for granted. How and why are not important. Just seperate issues that define where and who I am.